I can literally feel every muscle of my heart aching, for the most part, I know why I'm feeling like this, but then again I don't. I'm confused,hurt and broken. I am sick and tired of trying to suppress my insane behaviour and appearing to be what would be classed as 'normal'. I don't want anyone to think I want them to feel sorry for me either, which is why I have bottled up my feelings for so long.
I have had depression for a couple of months now, and as a result of previously being diagnosed as having depression, I am quite familiar with the symptoms and effects in behaviour and mind. This time round, I decided I wouldn't go to the doctors, as I was adamant I didn't want to be reliant on pills and that I could get through it by myself. Lately I've been feeling so low, I fail to find words to communicate the severity of my pain and grief. When I pluck up some self-worth and concern, and stop putting others before myself, I guess I will book an appointment with my local GP to seek some medical help and advice.
Yesterday evening, I cried till up to 1am midnight, tossing and turning, uncomfortable with heartache, with the tension in my stomach making me feel sick, but then weird, as I never vomit. Every time a tear was rolling down my cheek, I felt like the world and all the sorrow in it, was suffocating me, overwhelming me. You see when I'm upset, not only would I be thinking about what may have upset me to get in that state in the first place, but I would consciously remember all the unfortunate circumstances I've ever come across and drown myself in the water flowing down my face.
Depression is a very dark and scary place, it can paralyse you. From yesterday evening, I have been laying down in my bed literally crying my eyes out, my chest heaving with years of pain and agony, of memories so hurtful, you would be alien to wonder why I didn't anticipate killing myself. The only time I got up was to have a shower. I didn't even eat my dinner yesterday or my breakfast this morning, about two hours ago, I conjured up some assertiveness to get up and get some food down my belly. But after I had eaten, I felt sick. Proper sick. My appetite has gone. My energy has been drained and my mind clogged.
With every breath I take, the emotion of deep-rooted pain fiercely stabs me in my chest. I feel like I'm going mad, I don't know what to do, what to say .. and what do I mean what to say, I can't even talk. I am so upset. I can't even bring myself to talk to anyone. I have locked myself up in my bedroom for more than 10 hours and I feel trapped in my mind. Trapped because I can't think straight, without feeling like I'm about to explode and slowly die.
The day before yesterday, I was having suicidal thoughts and contemplating running into the train tracks - I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me, for those who are so ignorant that attach mental health illness with those seeking attention. The updated statistic of us that will face depression once in our lifetime is : 1 in 5. You may have gone through it already or you may get it some time in your life, but with the ups and downs life brings us, it is only inevitable.
I just remember my eyes swelling up with so much tears, that my vision became blurry, I suddenly felt so alone in the world. I felt uncared for and empty. As I looked into the train tracks, my toes just past the yellow line, I envisioned what life would be like for my family and so called 'people' if I wasn't around, I'm sure they would have noticed, but cared? Hmm, don't know about that. But as the saying goes in the Qur'an 'Verily in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest', I found solace and pulled myself together.
I had no tissues on me, so sitting down on the train, I had my head bent down, my tears gushing down like a Niagra waterfall. Not one person on the carriage offered me a tissue , nor did they ask me if I was okay. Feeling so isolated and alienated from society, my journey home was very inconvenient. I walked home crying, as soon as I got through my front door, I raced up to my bedroom, switched off my phone and really wished Allah would take me to him. I didn't want to live any more.
You're probably wondering why I'm not telling anyone about what it is going on, well quite frankly I don't think anyone cares enough. If they did so, I wouldn't be sat here typing my feelings away on a blog, who numerous people view. From professionals, friends and strangers. I can't keep up a front no more. Yes I'm the bubbly,energetic, youthful and make you piss in your pants-hilarious kind of girl, but who but Allah sees past my smile and humour. Who but Allah really cares? And who but Allah will help me get through this?
Honestly, to receive messages constantly, from strangers and those I know alike, that I've made them smile and/or I've made them laugh, it warms my heart. Making others feel appreciated and joyful is what brings me happiness, its my only form of experiencing some sort of euphoric high. I have never smoked or drank alcohol, neither have I consumed any sort of drugs and I do NOT intend to start such bad habits. But being like this, and not feeling that I can communicate what is on my mind and playing on my heart is doing me in.
I just want to be happy. Please pray for me.
Thank You.