Rachel Kelly : "A privileged life does not mean a privileged health."
Rachel Kelly was a woman most would want to be - she had an excellent career on the go, a loving family and she was hosting the best parties. However, things got on top and depression dropped onto her like a bomb, and it was through the power of poetry and prayers, that she healed herself.
As I anxiously awaited Rachel Kelly's arrival in a French cafe called Le Pain Quotidien in Notting Hill, I skimmed my notes on her, burning to ask her the questions I'm sure no one else has asked before.
Kelly was a former Times journalist, who had everything going for her - but after facing depression, she hit rock bottom. Not for too long however, as this inspiring woman has utilised her pain and grief to produce positive endeavours as she embarks the journey on being living proof that you can fight depression and become better.
She arrives,ambling up the spiral staircase, her warm smile lighting up the room upstairs we sat in, even her energy emitted a kind and caring nature. She got out her book 'Black Rainbow' and presented it to me as a gift, signing it for me with a personal message. Really touched by her thoughtful character, I thanked her and we started getting into what was a sandwich-filled conversation about the then and now and what depression made of her.
Very often than not, most people that suffer from mental health illnesses, be it depression or schizophrenia, have had a rocky childhood, or one that is far from perfect. Kelly was the middle child with two siblings, an older sister and a younger brother. She was brought up in West London by her mum who was a writer and her dad who was a businessman. "I think my childhood was a happy childhood, but I think I was a very anxious child and I definitely have memories of being quite a worrier. I was preoccupied with social relationships from a young age and getting on with people," she told me, before going on to explain, "I was quite easily upset. I realised now, looking back at it with a lot of therapy, that I was definitely quite anxious."
Although most of us have probably cried after watching a heart-wrenching episode of EastEnders or a bleak and miserable fiction book, Kelly seems to be over-sensitive. Discussing one of her favourite films of all time, 'Tarka The Otter', she recalls, ".. in the end the Otter gets killed by someone else and I was really traumatised. I was so upset that I went to see the doctor and I remember my mum trying to explain that I was really really upset by the film. I think sometimes with mental health, you have an extra layer of sensitivity, so you're not as robust."
With her sensitivity being a key issue and area of concern, Kelly was placed in the deep pool , by landing in a tough and fast-paced environment, when beginning her journalistic career."I think my biggest challenges were working as a team and working with other people people in the newspaper. Learning to be robust and resilient, take criticism in a really constructive way. Another big challenge for me is that, it is quite competitive. The thing about a newsroom is that you can always get a news story, a new byline. And I didn't really have a stop button, so I was very driven. I think part of the anxiety was with always trying to prove myself. So one challenge for me was learning how to say no, that's enough for me today, that's enough stories. Like 'no, I'm not working all weekend.'
A history of anxiety related feelings and the toll of work pressures, Kelly soon fell ill at the expense of depression. Very bravely, she painted a picture of how her first depressive episode out of two began with her initially experiencing insomnia and then falling into a suffocating and paralysing state of emotions. ".. my heart started to beat up faster and I started to feel a bit sick. I didn't actually vomit, but I felt like I was going to vomit. I felt rather breathless and I had this frightening feeling that I was falling, and I later discovered later that it was a pretty common physical symptom of anxiety and depression," she described.
Kelly had ended up in hospital three days later, where she ended up in a psychiatric unit which took her by surprise, as she assumed there was something wrong with her heart, rather than her mental well being. In denial at first, Kelly did not take any medication and was sent home, before being admitted again six weeks later. The severity of what Kelly was going through was illustrated as she said, ".. I suppose the best way I could describe it is, if you've ever been on a plane like when they do an emergency landing and you get this terrifying feeling like you're going to crash. The only way of treating it was to give me sedation. I was at this point of heightened anxiety, when your body takes over. A lot of physical pain, every bit of me really hurt, my whole body sort of went mad really. It was really really frightening."
Everyone has their own way of coping, and for Kelly, it seemed to be prayer and poetry, that allowed her to get through her darkest days. She vividly described the cause of this, "there was a point when the drugs stopped working and I was really suicidal and didn't know what else to turn to. And I went back to my prayers." She went on to describe how whilst she stayed in hospital , her mum would quote lines from the Bible, one particularly being, ' ..my strength is made perfect in weakness', which gave her hope and uplifted her.
Things got really hectic, especially when the Doctor dictated, "Okay, I'll let you go home, but you need 24/7 surveillance." As a result of this, Kelly's mother had come to live with her daughter to provide some support and care. "I needed my mum because my husband was trying to keep going with his job -everyone accepted that was the best we could do," she emphasised, sipping on some green juice.
As much as Kelly was experiencing an emotional turmoil, people around her didn't seem to understand her pain and empathy is nowhere to be found. "My friends were sort of like pull yourself together, what you making a fuss about," she explained. For her friends, they didn't understand how a woman doing so well for herself, could have anything to be depressed about. This motivated Kelly to want to campaign about this misunderstanding, as she made a valid point by saying," a privileged life does not mean a privileged health."
Having heard this, I was appalled at people's ignorance and the severity of stigma surrounding mental health. Reflecting on her first depressive episode back in 1997, she states, "I didn't think it was career enhancing to say I suffered from a mental health illness, so I think stigma was really alive." Fast forward more than a decade later, Kelly claims that stigma is still quite apparent. Working closely with city professionals from banks and law firms, she explains how when she asks people to stand up if they've ever suffered from a mental health problem, nearly always the whole room stands up, but while asked who would be able to talk about their experiences, nearly everyone sits back down.
Kelly was very adamant to reduce the stigma attached to mental health and so she used her experiences and her interests in mental health, to provide solace to people that have and are going through depression. She particularly found words to be therapeutic and helpful and so turned to poetry and for what was an estimated 20 years, she constantly swapped poems with people. People would approach her to say , "This helped me get through, this helped me get up this morning, when I was feeling desperate and alone, I read this and I felt less alone."
Sooner rather than later, Kelly was approached by a friend, who was working in the education department of a local prison, who suggested Kelly to run some poetry workshops for the prisoners. She visited the prison last year on National poetry day and thereafter became a volunteer, and now runs regular workshops there. The workshops entail prisoners taking an active approach to reading a variety of poems both collectively and individually. "I felt some of the poems were making a difference to some of the people - they had something to take away from the workshops."
Kelly really is on a mission to help and empower others that need motivation and support to tackle depression. "I'm booked up with my workshops from now till Christmas. I'm doing them for lots of different charities. I used to pitch to these charities, and now they're coming to me. I've become ambassador for SANE, I just want to keep campaigning, keep battling against stigma and do what I can. With bankers, lawyers and accountants particularly, because I come from that world and so I understand the pressures the people in that world are under, "she claimed earnestly.
Speaking briefly on her book 'Black Rainbow', she claims, "Black Rainbow has been like almost having another child and I just hope I can continue with all my work." The book was awarded a prize for 'best first book' at the 2014 Spear's Book Awards, with proceeds from the book going to mental health charities, SANE and United Response. "The most amazing thing is when someone says, 'I got through my day because of your book. I feel like if I've made a difference to one person, then I am blessed that something so positive gas come out of a dark period, " she declared light-heartedly. For people who many not be able to afford the book, Kelly has very kindly offered a version of her book on the Google App store. "I'm really keen to help as much people. National Health Service has just recommended it as one of their top apps," she beamed proudly.
I asked her what she is doing to keep active and well, an area in which she seemed to be excelling in. "My hobbies are very linked to my mental well-being, I do a lot of gardening. It helps bring my anxiety down," she told me before going on to further to explain her love of nature. " I like to get out, I really love the Lake District. I love walking there and I find that really helps my mental health, by connecting me to the wider world on a spiritual level. It makes me feel that we are all part of this universe and it gives me a feeling of belonging, "she said.
Currently working on another book, she will be producing a short easy to digest guide on '52 ways to stay well,happy and steady' after an array of people have asked her what she does to stay well.
Kelly is living proof that something positive can come out of a dark place and a prime example for believing that you can overcome whatever obstacle comes your way.
Rachel Kelly was a woman most would want to be - she had an excellent career on the go, a loving family and she was hosting the best parties. However, things got on top and depression dropped onto her like a bomb, and it was through the power of poetry and prayers, that she healed herself.
As I anxiously awaited Rachel Kelly's arrival in a French cafe called Le Pain Quotidien in Notting Hill, I skimmed my notes on her, burning to ask her the questions I'm sure no one else has asked before.
Kelly was a former Times journalist, who had everything going for her - but after facing depression, she hit rock bottom. Not for too long however, as this inspiring woman has utilised her pain and grief to produce positive endeavours as she embarks the journey on being living proof that you can fight depression and become better.
She arrives,ambling up the spiral staircase, her warm smile lighting up the room upstairs we sat in, even her energy emitted a kind and caring nature. She got out her book 'Black Rainbow' and presented it to me as a gift, signing it for me with a personal message. Really touched by her thoughtful character, I thanked her and we started getting into what was a sandwich-filled conversation about the then and now and what depression made of her.
Very often than not, most people that suffer from mental health illnesses, be it depression or schizophrenia, have had a rocky childhood, or one that is far from perfect. Kelly was the middle child with two siblings, an older sister and a younger brother. She was brought up in West London by her mum who was a writer and her dad who was a businessman. "I think my childhood was a happy childhood, but I think I was a very anxious child and I definitely have memories of being quite a worrier. I was preoccupied with social relationships from a young age and getting on with people," she told me, before going on to explain, "I was quite easily upset. I realised now, looking back at it with a lot of therapy, that I was definitely quite anxious."
Although most of us have probably cried after watching a heart-wrenching episode of EastEnders or a bleak and miserable fiction book, Kelly seems to be over-sensitive. Discussing one of her favourite films of all time, 'Tarka The Otter', she recalls, ".. in the end the Otter gets killed by someone else and I was really traumatised. I was so upset that I went to see the doctor and I remember my mum trying to explain that I was really really upset by the film. I think sometimes with mental health, you have an extra layer of sensitivity, so you're not as robust."
With her sensitivity being a key issue and area of concern, Kelly was placed in the deep pool , by landing in a tough and fast-paced environment, when beginning her journalistic career."I think my biggest challenges were working as a team and working with other people people in the newspaper. Learning to be robust and resilient, take criticism in a really constructive way. Another big challenge for me is that, it is quite competitive. The thing about a newsroom is that you can always get a news story, a new byline. And I didn't really have a stop button, so I was very driven. I think part of the anxiety was with always trying to prove myself. So one challenge for me was learning how to say no, that's enough for me today, that's enough stories. Like 'no, I'm not working all weekend.'
A history of anxiety related feelings and the toll of work pressures, Kelly soon fell ill at the expense of depression. Very bravely, she painted a picture of how her first depressive episode out of two began with her initially experiencing insomnia and then falling into a suffocating and paralysing state of emotions. ".. my heart started to beat up faster and I started to feel a bit sick. I didn't actually vomit, but I felt like I was going to vomit. I felt rather breathless and I had this frightening feeling that I was falling, and I later discovered later that it was a pretty common physical symptom of anxiety and depression," she described.
Kelly had ended up in hospital three days later, where she ended up in a psychiatric unit which took her by surprise, as she assumed there was something wrong with her heart, rather than her mental well being. In denial at first, Kelly did not take any medication and was sent home, before being admitted again six weeks later. The severity of what Kelly was going through was illustrated as she said, ".. I suppose the best way I could describe it is, if you've ever been on a plane like when they do an emergency landing and you get this terrifying feeling like you're going to crash. The only way of treating it was to give me sedation. I was at this point of heightened anxiety, when your body takes over. A lot of physical pain, every bit of me really hurt, my whole body sort of went mad really. It was really really frightening."
Everyone has their own way of coping, and for Kelly, it seemed to be prayer and poetry, that allowed her to get through her darkest days. She vividly described the cause of this, "there was a point when the drugs stopped working and I was really suicidal and didn't know what else to turn to. And I went back to my prayers." She went on to describe how whilst she stayed in hospital , her mum would quote lines from the Bible, one particularly being, ' ..my strength is made perfect in weakness', which gave her hope and uplifted her.
Things got really hectic, especially when the Doctor dictated, "Okay, I'll let you go home, but you need 24/7 surveillance." As a result of this, Kelly's mother had come to live with her daughter to provide some support and care. "I needed my mum because my husband was trying to keep going with his job -everyone accepted that was the best we could do," she emphasised, sipping on some green juice.
As much as Kelly was experiencing an emotional turmoil, people around her didn't seem to understand her pain and empathy is nowhere to be found. "My friends were sort of like pull yourself together, what you making a fuss about," she explained. For her friends, they didn't understand how a woman doing so well for herself, could have anything to be depressed about. This motivated Kelly to want to campaign about this misunderstanding, as she made a valid point by saying," a privileged life does not mean a privileged health."
Having heard this, I was appalled at people's ignorance and the severity of stigma surrounding mental health. Reflecting on her first depressive episode back in 1997, she states, "I didn't think it was career enhancing to say I suffered from a mental health illness, so I think stigma was really alive." Fast forward more than a decade later, Kelly claims that stigma is still quite apparent. Working closely with city professionals from banks and law firms, she explains how when she asks people to stand up if they've ever suffered from a mental health problem, nearly always the whole room stands up, but while asked who would be able to talk about their experiences, nearly everyone sits back down.
Kelly was very adamant to reduce the stigma attached to mental health and so she used her experiences and her interests in mental health, to provide solace to people that have and are going through depression. She particularly found words to be therapeutic and helpful and so turned to poetry and for what was an estimated 20 years, she constantly swapped poems with people. People would approach her to say , "This helped me get through, this helped me get up this morning, when I was feeling desperate and alone, I read this and I felt less alone."
Sooner rather than later, Kelly was approached by a friend, who was working in the education department of a local prison, who suggested Kelly to run some poetry workshops for the prisoners. She visited the prison last year on National poetry day and thereafter became a volunteer, and now runs regular workshops there. The workshops entail prisoners taking an active approach to reading a variety of poems both collectively and individually. "I felt some of the poems were making a difference to some of the people - they had something to take away from the workshops."
Kelly really is on a mission to help and empower others that need motivation and support to tackle depression. "I'm booked up with my workshops from now till Christmas. I'm doing them for lots of different charities. I used to pitch to these charities, and now they're coming to me. I've become ambassador for SANE, I just want to keep campaigning, keep battling against stigma and do what I can. With bankers, lawyers and accountants particularly, because I come from that world and so I understand the pressures the people in that world are under, "she claimed earnestly.
Speaking briefly on her book 'Black Rainbow', she claims, "Black Rainbow has been like almost having another child and I just hope I can continue with all my work." The book was awarded a prize for 'best first book' at the 2014 Spear's Book Awards, with proceeds from the book going to mental health charities, SANE and United Response. "The most amazing thing is when someone says, 'I got through my day because of your book. I feel like if I've made a difference to one person, then I am blessed that something so positive gas come out of a dark period, " she declared light-heartedly. For people who many not be able to afford the book, Kelly has very kindly offered a version of her book on the Google App store. "I'm really keen to help as much people. National Health Service has just recommended it as one of their top apps," she beamed proudly.
I asked her what she is doing to keep active and well, an area in which she seemed to be excelling in. "My hobbies are very linked to my mental well-being, I do a lot of gardening. It helps bring my anxiety down," she told me before going on to further to explain her love of nature. " I like to get out, I really love the Lake District. I love walking there and I find that really helps my mental health, by connecting me to the wider world on a spiritual level. It makes me feel that we are all part of this universe and it gives me a feeling of belonging, "she said.
Currently working on another book, she will be producing a short easy to digest guide on '52 ways to stay well,happy and steady' after an array of people have asked her what she does to stay well.
Kelly is living proof that something positive can come out of a dark place and a prime example for believing that you can overcome whatever obstacle comes your way.